Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Top 10 Reasons Why Marc Savard Is Being Shopped Around

Much like my friends at Days of Y'Orr and their investigative reporter Patrice Perr-geron, I always enjoy a good investigation of the truth. Although not as skilled as Patrice and his accomplices, I am not one to shy away from a challenge. When I heard that Marc Savard was aggressively being shopped to other teams this morning, I had to find out why. I couldn't deal with the fact that the Boston Bruins best offensive player was being shopped around so I did a little sleuthing.

What I found was shocking. Sitting on Peter Chiarelli's desk was a list of reasons why they wanted to trade Marc Savard before the season started. Here's the list:

10. Marc will throw up all over your shit

Apparently when Marc doesn't agree with something (like playing in Atlanta), he'll just throw up on it. Here's the video evidence.

9. Faux-hawk

Not much needs to be said about this does it? A faux-hawk is about as douchetastic as they come. A mohawk is one of the most badass hairstyles of all time, but if you have a little prick or just can't rock one, you rock the faux-hawk. That shit doesn't fly.

8. To Many Men penalty

Yes, this will want to make you throw up. Just mentioning this makes me want to cry and German-suplex toddlers in the park. It is time to come to reality though people, Savard was the one who screwed up on the penalty. I think that is something we can all accept though, he is a human being and humans make mistakes. What I can't stand is when someone doesn't own up to making that mistake.

It has been reported numerous times that Savard has deflected attention for the TMM penalty. Not admitting the mistake (and effectively blaming the guy coming off of the bench) is a good way to turn a locker room against you.

7. He beat Chiarelli in golf

Perhaps this is the most personal reasons of the list. Savard is known to be a good golfer and never playing past the second round means he has had a lot of practice in the off season. Although it has never been made public, Savard has apparently taken Chiarelli to task on the golf course. How else do you think Milan Lucic got that big ass contract?

6. Clearing Cap Room

If Savard was to be traded, it's clearly a cap dump. The Bruins are so close to the cap, any more signings and they'll just the jar wide open (get it, cap...jar? No? Sorry). Savard's contract may be "cap friendly" but having a 32 year old concussed center in a 7 year contract makes little sense. Sometimes you have to wonder how much drugs Chiarelli does daily.

5. He's a "whipped little bitch"

Originally sent to me in an email from a friend on Twitter, it is apparent that Chiarelli wrote the HFBoards (hell on the interwebz, I call it) that explained why Savard asked to be traded:

"Here it is. Marc has a girlfriend who lives in Peterborough, ON. She's in her young 20's and suffering a case of "Chris Pronger" wife syndrome. She traveled down to Boston last season to see Marc, but can't move to Boston due to her work and not being able to get a US VISA. She is controlling and there were a lot of rumors last season about Marc cheating on her and her going crazy over it. Anyways she told Marc that he had to DEMAND a trade to be closer to her (away from Boston and the other girls) and to either Ottawa or Toronto if he wanted to be with her and keep their relationship together. Ottawa and Toronto because they are both close and in between where she lives and also in between were Marc has a home in the offseason, his parents place, grandparents and children. This is a girl that was dumped by Marc before, dumped her boyfriend to get back with Marc and only dates pro hockey players.... I really hate to post something like this on a hockey board and make it so personal and about someone's private issues/relationships, but this is what's going on.

The reports about Marc having "family" issues aren't really "family" issues but a case of a young 22 year old girl demanding her boyfriend to request a trade.

So, Marc went to the Bruins and demanded a trade I've been told by a recent ex Bruin player (got the email from this players nhlpa email to prove it also). The Bruins don't want to move Marc, but are considering it if they can get a deal done, since Marc wants out. They don't want a "soft" deal, but may have to resort to one. The Bruins aren't completely against trading Savard (since they are deep at the center position, could get a good return, free up cap space since they can't find any suitors for Ryder, Wheeler and Thomas), but really don't want to trade their #1 center and a guy that has averaged more than a ppg in the last 5 of the 6 NHL seasons..."
LOL is all I can say.

4. He's Canadian

They smell like maple syrup and their bacon is just really ham...

3. The Return For Him

When Kessel was traded to Toronto, Brian Burke gave up (basically) every pick until 2013. Okay, maybe not, but a 2010 first round (hello Tyler Seguin), a 2010 second rounder and a 2011 first rounder that could very well be a top 5 pick again. Who's to say the return for Savard won't be good as well? The guy is a point per game player and has led Boston in scoring since he came here, outside of this previous year. I'm not saying Boston will get a Kessel deal again, but something useful will more than likely come back.

2. Savard's a "Team Jacob" guy

We all know Chiarelli is a Team Edward guy. Sensitive and loyal without the aggression and always wearing a shirt. Yeah, Edward is his mancrush.

1. Savard likes to wear Ed Hardy clothing

Again, the douchiest of douchewear. Savard is like the Ed Hardy poster child and Ed Hardy sucks.


So there it is. 10 reasons why Chiarelli is looking to move Savard.